We hear it all the time: Don’t let what other people think of you define who you are.
It’s solid advice. Your value doesn’t magically vanish because someone else refuses to see it.
But, here’s what we don’t say enough: just because you don’t need anyone’s approval doesn’t mean how you show up doesn’t matter.
You can love yourself, fully and unapologetically, and still understand that the way you walk into a room (e.g., head high, carrying yourself with self-respect) is what makes people pay attention.
Confidence keeps you grounded. But presentation? That’s what not only gets you in the door, but taken seriously.
1. Opportunity Doesn’t Always Knock Unless You Look Ready for it
We all know that quiet kind of confidence, waking up, looking in the mirror, and seeing someone you actually like looking back. But, confidence doesn’t always speak for itself.
You can be the most capable, brilliant person in the room, but if you show up late, disheveled, and half-prepared, nobody else is going to see it.
On the flip side? You’ve probably met someone who wasn’t necessarily the most talented, but they carried themselves like they were. They dressed with intention. They spoke like they’d thought things through and people couldn’t help, but give them a chance.
That’s not “being fake” or “doing the most.” That’s showing respect for yourself, for the people you’re meeting, and for the moment you’ve decided you’re going to step into.
2. Self-Worth and Self-Respect Aren’t The Same Thing
Think of it like this:
Self-worth is how you feel about yourself when nobody’s watching.
Self-respect is how you act because of it when everyone is watching.
Do you think I like working out and steaming my clothes every time I go out? No. I hate it. It literally makes me want to scream some days.
Still, I do it anyway.
Not because I’m trying to impress anyone, but because I understand that how I show up in the world reflects how I feel about myself. I care enough about me to put in the effort, even when it’s annoying, inconvenient, and the last thing I want to do.
Self-respect isn’t always glamorous, but it does always show.
3. Beyond the Bonnet
Black women carry so much, and it can show in how we move through the day, some of us choosing leggings, oversized t-shirts, flip-flops, and bonnets for the sake of ease and comfort.
And I get it. After generations of having our hair, bodies, and every move dissected and policed, it’s no wonder some of us have chosen to reject the pressure entirely: I’m not dressing up for nobody. I don’t owe anyone a single thing. 100% valid.
Still, how we carry ourselves has never really been about them. It’s always been about us. It’s about the standard we set for ourselves. What we believe we’re capable of and the kind of life we expect to step into.
Looking polished, even in small ways (even most of the time), affirms our worth and signals to the world that we’re ready for what we deserve.
Every step outside is a chance to reinforce or rewrite the narrative.
It’s time we reclaim our role as its authors, architects, and arbiters.
The Takeaway: Love Yourself Enough To Look Like You Do
Being unbothered means knowing your worth.
Being polished means letting the world know that you know it.
Every choice you make to care, to prepare, to carry yourself with intention, is a quiet investment in your future. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about respecting yourself enough to move through the world as someone who knows (or is ready to discover) what you’re capable of.
You don’t owe the world an explanation for who you are, but you do owe yourself the courtesy of being ready. Ready for the doors that open. Ready for the moments that matter. Ready to stand in spaces you’ve worked relentlessly to reach, all while feeling like you belong there.
Because you do.
Lence in Layers 