Love can make us do beautiful things: offer grace, extend compassion, and stand beside someone in their darkest hour. But, sometimes, in the name of love, we cross a line. We stop encouraging growth and start protecting the people we love from the outcomes of their own behavior. It feels like love. It feels like care. But, I promise you, it’s not. It’s enabling and over time, it does more harm than good.
What Is Enabling?
Enabling is when you repeatedly excuse, cover for, or cushion someone’s poor behavior in ways that prevent them from facing the natural outcomes of their actions. It might look like paying a sibling’s bills after they’ve blown their money again; lying to a friend’s boss to explain away their absence; or defending a family member’s abusive behavior simply because “they’re blood,” and the person they’ve hurt isn’t.
The Illusion of Help
At first, it feels like you’re doing the right thing. You think you’re offering protection, relief, maybe even a lifeline. But, what feels helpful in the moment can slowly start to chip away at trust, accountability, and growth.
The person on the receiving end begins to internalize a dangerous lesson:
Consequences can be bypassed and you’ll be there to catch the fallout.
Instead of learning from their choices, they learn to lean on you as a buffer.
In the process, you become the shock absorber for their life.
Emotionally. Financially. Sometimes even physically.
Your well-being gets slowly, quietly eroded, one “helpful” gesture at a time.
And that “helps” no one.
Why We Do It
The truth? Many of us enable our loved ones because we’ve been taught to believe that love should always feel good. That if we just love someone enough, things will change. That love can succeed where discipline, self-awareness, and accountability have failed.
But here’s the shift:
Those things are love.
Not punishment. Not rejection. Love.
The kind that sets boundaries. The kind that tells the truth. The kind that allows someone to sit with the weight of their own choices. Not to hurt them, but to help them grow.
It might not feel like love in the moment. But, it’s the kind that leads to real, lasting change. And deep down, that’s exactly what you want for them.
Breaking the Cycle
So how do you stop enabling?
- Set boundaries and stick to them, even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Let consequences happen. Don’t rush to fix everything.
- Shift the focus from rescuing to encouraging self-responsibility.
- Seek support. Talk to a therapist or join a support group if you’re navigating enabling patterns with loved ones who struggle with addiction, mental illness, or irresponsibility.
Final Thoughts
You can love someone and still say no. You can care deeply and still walk away. You can support someone without saving them.
Real love isn’t about shielding your partner, sibling, or friend from the fallout of their choices. It means staying close while letting them carry the load they’ve created.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do… is step back.
Lence in Layers 