We don’t talk enough about how adult bullying operates. It’s not always obvious. It’s not name-calling or shouting. Often, it’s power plays hidden in vague “policies,” passive disrespect, or withholding access in the hopes that you won’t ask too many questions.
Bullies count on people not knowing how to respond. They expect silence, compliance, or a look of shame, embarrassment, or confusion. What they don’t expect is someone who keeps receipts, asks the right questions, and knows when and how to push back without breaking a sweat.
Here are some scenarios you might recognize and how to respond with clarity, confidence, and calm strategy.
1. Assuming You Don’t Know Your Rights
This happens everywhere: from traffic stops to housing to healthcare to employment. When someone assumes you’re uninformed, they stretch boundaries, take shortcuts, or skip over steps entirely. They count on you not paying attention.
Real-world example: A healthcare provider doesn’t explain all of your treatment options, assuming you won’t notice or understand. Or a landlord “forgets” to mention your right to withhold rent when you’re living in unsafe conditions.
Strategy: Let them explain themselves fully. Then, calmly ask specific questions, referencing laws or policies whenever possible. Even something as simple as “According to state law, shouldn’t that be disclosed up front?” can shift the power dynamic entirely. They’ll realize you’re not guessing, you’re informed.
2. Gatekeeping as a Power Move
Gatekeeping is one of the oldest bullying tactics in the book. It shows up when someone has access to something valuable, an opportunity, a resource, a connection, and they deliberately withhold or delay access to see how badly you want it, or whether you’ll jump through hoops.
This doesn’t just waste your time, it’s often about testing your perceived “worthiness.”
Real-world example: A manager tells you to “be patient” for a promotion, but can’t explain what’s missing while less qualified peers advance. An artist’s collective says they’re “at capacity,” but still makes room for someone with industry clout.
Strategy: Stay organized. Keep a timeline of interactions. Ask directly: “Is this requirement standard for all applicants?” or “Can I ask why this process differs from what was outlined initially?” Don’t beg. Be direct and document everything.
3. Underestimating Your Network
Some people play power games simply because they assume you don’t know anyone influential. If you don’t look or speak like their idea of “connected,” they assume you can’t or won’t escalate the issue.
They may also assume you don’t have the financial or social resources to push back, which is not only offensive, but often a dangerous underestimation.
Even if you don’t have connections, money, or access, you still deserve to be treated fairly. Transparency, respect, and opportunity shouldn’t be reserved for those with power. Worthiness isn’t something you earn by proximity, it’s something you inherently have. Forget the performative, normative B.S. we’re all too often taught to follow.
Real-world example: A leasing agent is dismissive, but changes tone completely after you mention consulting with your family friend/housing attorney. Or a service provider brushes you off until you cc a supervisor/corporate via email.
Strategy: You don’t need to flex any contacts you have upfront. But, it’s perfectly acceptable to let someone know you’re consulting with others. You’ll be shocked at how quickly it can shift the dynamic.
4. Counting on Your Silence
This is the most common and most insidious form of bullying. Some people count on you being too exhausted, intimidated, or unsure to say anything at all. They rely on the discomfort of confrontation to keep you quiet, especially in professional or “polite” settings where you might not want to “make a scene.”
Real-world example: You experience subtle discrimination at work, or someone dismisses your contributions in a group setting. When you hesitate to speak up, it’s seen as permission to continue, or worse, repeat the offense.
Strategy: Speaking up doesn’t have to be dramatic to be effective. You can say:
- “I noticed I was spoken over several times. Let’s make sure everyone has space to finish their thoughts.”
- “Just to clarify, is that feedback being applied consistently across the team?”
- Or a simple follow-up email that documents what happened and states your boundaries moving forward. *This tactic has saved me several times over the course of a decade.
When people realize you’re not afraid to name what’s happening (especially calmly), they tend to self-correct. If not, you’ve already built the groundwork to escalate it, appropriately. And don’t underestimate the power of silence and a prolonged stare or asking someone to repeat their remark several times until it becomes unnervingly awkward.
Final Thought
The loudest response isn’t always the most effective one. Strategy, clarity, and follow-through are often what make the biggest impact. And that’s why bullies get so uncomfortable when they encounter someone who doesn’t yell, but doesn’t back down either.
I may be reserved. But, I know exactly how to defend: My peace. My people. My position.
Not with noise, but with knowledge.
Not with panic, but precision.
And if you think I don’t have the range to protect myself and what matters to me, just know that I thoroughly enjoy being underestimated. As should you.
And just in case no one’s told you lately: you’re allowed to speak up, ask questions, and take up space, especially when something doesn’t sit right. Your voice is not only valid; it’s necessary.
Need a little clarity? Send your question anonymously and I’ll respond with care — publicly or just between us.
Lence in Layers 