We’re often taught that the person who remains calm in an argument is the one who’s in the right. That emotional control equates to having the moral high ground. That composure is the badge of wisdom, strength, and even virtue.
But, let’s talk about the flip side of that narrative. Because sometimes, the calm one isn’t a saint.
Sometimes, the calm one is the manipulator.
When Calm Becomes a Weapon
In toxic dynamics, especially those involving narcissistic abuse, calmness can become a calculated tool. Someone might remain cool and collected not because they’re emotionally mature, but because they’re manipulating the interaction. The goal is to remain the one in control.
They’ll say something cruel with a soft smile. They’ll gaslight you, deny your experience, twist your words, and invalidate your emotions while sipping coffee and keeping their tone even.
Meanwhile, you’re unraveling.
You start doubting yourself. You question your memory, your reactions, your sanity. When you finally snap by raising your voice, crying, or storming out, they look at you like you’ve just proven their point.
This is reactive abuse: when your emotional response to long-term mistreatment is used as proof that you’re the problem.
And suddenly, the narrative shifts. The manipulator plays the victim. You’re labeled “crazy,” “too emotional,” or “unstable.”
They don’t need to win the argument. They just need you to lose your cool and with it, credibility.
Understanding Reactive Abuse
Reactive abuse doesn’t mean you are abusive. It means you’re reacting to abuse. It’s the emotional equivalent of being poked over and over until you scream and then being punished for screaming.
This is common in narcissistic relationships because narcissists thrive on control. They carefully provoke emotional responses and then feign innocence when things spiral. One subtle tactic? Making you jealous on purpose—not because they want someone else, but because they want you to react. To spiral. To chase. To prove how much you care. And when you finally do, they sit back and label you as insecure or “crazy.”
This dynamic can leave you confused and ashamed, especially if you’re someone who prides yourself on being composed. You may feel like you’re losing your grip, when in reality, you’re just finally reacting to the years of micro-aggressions, emotional neglect, or psychological warfare you’ve endured.
Why Society Rewards Calm Even When It’s Manipulative
We live in a world that over-values stoicism and under-values emotional integrity. This is especially the case for women and marginalized people. Expressing anger, sadness, or even frustration can be (and often is) weaponized against us.
If you cry, you’re “too sensitive.” If you raise your voice, you’re “aggressive.” If you react at all, you’re the unstable one.
Meanwhile, the person who sits back quietly, often the one who caused the chaos in the first place, gets to walk away looking composed, rational, and in control. But, composure isn’t always a virtue. Sometimes it’s a facade.
In Professional and Legal Spaces, This Bias Hurts Survivors
The stakes are even higher when these dynamics play out in professional, legal, or medical settings. Abusers who remain calm and articulate are often believed. Survivors who are visibly distressed, cry, fumble their words, or express intense emotion are dismissed or doubted.
This is why understanding these dynamics is crucial. Reactive abuse isn’t only relevant to interpersonal relationships, it’s a systemic issue that affects who gets believed, who gets justice, and who gets support.
If you’ve ever found yourself trying to explain why you “lost it,” or felt the need to apologize for your emotions while someone else walked away unscathed, you’re not alone.
Final Thoughts: How to Break Free from the Cycle
Healing from reactive abuse starts with recognizing the pattern. Here’s what helps:
- Validate your experience. You’re not “crazy” for reacting. Your emotions were a signal that something was deeply wrong.
- Keep a journal. Document interactions, especially if you’re starting to question your reality. It helps build clarity.
- Seek support. Talk to a trauma-informed therapist or someone who understands covert abuse.
- Learn to self-regulate without self-blame. Emotional regulation is important—but so is identifying who and what pushes you past your limit.
- Remember, you can walk away. Especially in romantic relationships, you’re allowed to leave dynamics that consistently destabilize you. Emotional safety isn’t a luxury, it’s a baseline.
The goal isn’t to become emotionally numb. It’s to respond, not react. But, even in instances when you do react, don’t let anyone use it to define or control you.
Lence in Layers 