There’s a certain kind of man who doesn’t want a partner per se. What he truly wants is a project.
He doesn’t say it outright. In fact, his interest might initially seem like compassion. He gravitates toward a woman in distress: the one going through a breakup, recovering from trauma, struggling financially, or battling low self-worth.
He steps in with advice, resources, sometimes even money. At first glance, it seems generous, noble even. But, dig deeper, and there’s something else driving it: a fear of inadequacy.
Some men pursue women they can “fix” not out of love, but to quiet their own self-doubt.
These women’s brokenness gives them purpose. Their struggles make him feel strong.
Without this dynamic, they feel small.
Let’s talk about it.
The Illusion of Leadership
Men with a “savior complex” often equate control with leadership. They seek women whose lives appear chaotic or unstable because that dynamic allows them to swoop in as the solution. This isn’t true leadership. It’s an overactive (and overly protective) ego dressed in rescue gear, desperate for validation under the guise of generosity.
Rather than standing beside a woman as an equal, these type of men prefer standing above her as a light in darkness. But, it’s not about love or partnership, it’s about power. Not to guide her safely home, but to keep her lost at sea.
Example:
Jason meets Maya at a low point. She recently left a toxic relationship, juggling freelance gigs, and sleeping on her cousin’s couch. He swoops in fast: helps her budget, sends her job leads, even surprises her with groceries. He calls it “support,” and at first, Maya is grateful.But once she lands a stable job, signs her own lease, and starts setting firmer boundaries, the energy shifts. Jason becomes distant, sometimes irritable. He starts saying things like, “You’ve changed,” or “You don’t seem to need me anymore.”
Why Fixing Feels Far Safer Than Feeling
It often starts early.
Boys who grow up in environments where love is earned through usefulness (e.g., protecting a parent, solving problems, competing for what’s is (or perceived to be) limited attention, and/or staying emotionally composed) can internalize the belief that their value lies in being needed, not being known for who they are.
As adults, this can morph into relationships where they recreate that dynamic: seeking out partners they can “help,” fix, or guide because it mirrors the role that once made them feel safe, worthy, or loved.
Psychologists call this a form of covert narcissism or relational compensation, where helping becomes a way to manage deep-seated insecurity. Control is mistaken for care. Fixing becomes a substitute for feeling. And emotional imbalance feels familiar, and for some, comforting.
It’s not always malicious. But, it is often calculated, even if subconsciously.
And if someone only knows how to feel worthy when someone else is wounded, they’ll need that person to stay perpetually broken to feel whole.
How This Shows Up in Relationships
Here’s how you can recognize when someone is more invested in “fixing” than actually loving:
- Overstepping Boundaries: He offers unsolicited advice constantly, even when you didn’t ask or need it.
- Subtle Undermining: He compliments your “potential” more than your present self. He always talks about who you could be with his help.
- Dependency is Encouraged: He doesn’t celebrate your independence, he subtly discourages it as unnecessary because you, of course, “have him.”
- Withdraws After You Level Up: When you begin to thrive, he grows distant, critical, or even ends the relationship.
This isn’t a partnership. It’s a conditional dynamic built on the illusion of your perpetual inadequacy.
To the Women Reading This
You are not a rehabilitation center for emotionally insecure men.
You are not here to be someone’s evidence of masculinity.
You are not a mirror for someone else’s self-worth.
And most importantly, you are not required to fix him.
That’s his job.
So the next time someone shows up with a toolbox and a Cheshire cat smile, ask yourself this:
Do they love me or do they love the version of themselves they get to be when I’m in my most vulnerable state?
Choose love that sees you clearly: whole, flawed, healing, powerful.
You’re not here to validate his worth or cushion his ego.
If he needs to dim your light to feel seen, he was never built to walk beside you.
And that’s just that.
Need a little clarity? Send your question anonymously and I’ll respond with care — publicly or just between us.
Sources:
Lammers, J., & Stapel, D. A. (2011). How power influences moral thinking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(3), 543–558. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023619
Ronningstam, E. (2005). Identifying and understanding the narcissistic personality. Oxford University Press.
Liotti, G. (2004). Attachment and dissociation. In J. D. Bremner & C. R. Marmar (Eds.), Trauma, memory, and dissociation (pp. 53–70). American Psychiatric Publishing.
Lence in Layers 