One of my neighbors back when I lived in D.C. was in one of those on-and-off relationships with constant (loud) fights, dramatic silences, then they were back together like nothing happened.
One day, she caught me in the hallway, flashing a diamond ring and grinning. “We’re engaged and trying for a baby,” she said, like they’d finally found the glue to hold it all together.
They hadn’t.
There’s a myth far too many people still believe that if your relationship isn’t working, getting married or having a baby will somehow fix it.
But, here’s the truth: marriage and babies don’t repair broken bonds—they expose and exacerbate them. The love doesn’t suddenly deepen; the arguments don’t magically stop; and the issues you’ve been ignoring won’t fade just because you added a title or a tiny human to the mix. If the foundation’s already shaky, more pressure won’t fix it. It’ll just make the cracks harder to ignore.
1. Marriage Doesn’t Magically Create Compatibility
It’s easy to believe that walking down the aisle will mark a turning point and that commitment will bring clarity, maturity, and stability. On the contrary, marriage won’t suddenly make someone communicate better; be more emotionally available; or undo years of unresolved issues.
In fact, marriage often introduces new pressures. Finances, shared responsibilities, family dynamics, and evolving life goals become joint concerns. If the relationship is already shaky, these added layers can create new cracks rather than repair the old ones.
And while it’s natural to feel the weight of time, especially in a world obsessed with milestones, don’t let age rush you into permanence with the wrong person. Getting swept up in a wedding just because you feel “behind” can lead to a prolonged stress and a false start. It’s far better to be older with the right person than younger with the wrong one. Love that lasts doesn’t come from panic. It comes from peace.
2. Babies Are a Blessing, Not a Bargaining Tool
Babies are beautiful, life-altering gifts. But, they are not a solution for lack of connection, unresolved resentment, or emotional neglect.
Caring for a child is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, especially in the early years. Sleep deprivation, postpartum recovery, shifting identity, and the sheer weight of responsibility can take a toll even on the most solid partnerships. If the relationship was already running on fumes, parenting can accelerate burnout rather than bring people closer.
And from a woman’s perspective, the risk is even greater: you could end up raising that child alone: emotionally, logistically, and financially. Yes, even in a committed relationship or marriage. A partner who wasn’t showing up before the baby arrived isn’t going to magically step up when they’re crying at 3AM or when you’re juggling your own healing and the needs of a newborn.
3. Pressure Leads to Resentment, Not Reconciliation
Trying to “save” a relationship by getting married or having a child often comes from a place of desperation and fear of loss, loneliness, or public failure. But, choices made under pressure rarely lead to positive outcomes.
Over time, one or both people may begin to resent the very decisions they hoped would strengthen the connection. They may feel trapped by the life they created together instead of fulfilled by it.
And when a relationship falls apart after a marriage or baby, the emotional (and legal) consequences can be even detrimental. There’s nothing noble about staying in something that drains you just to “keep up appearances,” especially when healthier paths exist.
4. Marriage Still Has Value — Just Not as a Fixer
Marriage can be beautiful. And notice — I said marriage, not wedding. It’s easy to get swept up in the fantasy, the applause, and the validation that comes with planning a big day. For some, it feels like reassurance — “See? I’m not falling behind.” But, the real magic isn’t in keeping up with timelines or expectations. It’s in choosing a partnership that brings peace and feels just as good when no one’s watching.
When built on mutual respect, emotional safety, and shared values, marriage with the right person can offer legal protections, stability, companionship, and personal growth. Even so, don’t walk into married life thinking it’s going to change a partner who doesn’t respect you, or turn chaos into peace. A legally binding, lifelong commitment isn’t a magic wand.
5. Healing > Hanging on for Dear Life
It’s okay to try. In fact, it’s important that you do. Real love takes effort, honesty, and growth. However, it shouldn’t feel like a constant fight for survival. If the biggest challenge is your partner’s behavior, not life itself, that’s an indication that you’re losing yourself to hold on.
Letting go isn’t failure. It’s the wisdom to release what isn’t serving you to make space for what is. Not every relationship is meant to last. Some are meant to teach.
Final Thoughts
Don’t tie lifelong decisions to temporary desperation. Babies deserve to be born into love, not used as a last-ditch effort. Marriage deserves to be chosen from a place of deep alignment, not emotional panic or societal pressure.
If it’s meant to be saved, it will be with effort, therapy, and accountability. It won’t be saved by hurling the weight of a milestone onto a foundation rickety foundation.
If it doesn’t grow, even after your best efforts, trust that releasing what isn’t working may be the only way to uncover what will.
Need a little clarity? Send your question anonymously and I’ll respond with care — publicly or just between us.
Lence in Layers 