Some connections aren’t rooted in love — they’re forged in survival.
Trauma bonds are powerful emotional connections formed through repeated cycles of pain and reward. It’s when the person who hurts you is also the person who soothes you, leaving you stuck in a loop that mimics love, but feels like emotional (and for some, physical) whiplash.
These bonds can feel intense, even addictive. But, they’re not rooted in mutual respect or safety — they’re built on inconsistency, emotional dependency, and unhealed wounds.
“People think being loyal to a toxic person is love. It’s not. It’s trauma bonding.”
— Dr. Thema Bryant
Let’s unpack what trauma bonds look like, how to recognize when you’re in one, and why low self-esteem and self-worth makes us especially vulnerable.
What Does a Trauma Bond Look Like?
It’s not always obvious, especially in the beginning. Trauma bonds often masquerade as passion or “ride-or-die” loyalty. But, here’s what they can actually feel like:
- You feel deep attachment to someone who consistently hurts you.
- You keep hoping they’ll change — and hold onto the potential more than the reality.
- After every major conflict or betrayal, there’s a period of intense closeness or apology that feels intoxicating — like being rewarded for staying.
- You feel unable to walk away, even though the relationship feels emotionally unsafe.
- You feel like leaving them would be abandoning yourself.
“It wasn’t love. It was survival. I was trying to make peace with the same chaos I grew up in.”
Trauma bonds often begin in relationships where emotional inconsistency is the norm: affection one day, manipulation the next. That instability becomes addictive. You’re constantly chasing the high of being chosen, validated, or “fixed” even if only for a moment.
Scenario: The Push-Pull Loop
You’re dating someone who never really gives you clarity about where you stand. They disappear for days, then come back with a flurry of affection and promises. You cry; they apologize. You think, This time it’ll be different. But soon enough, they’re back to breadcrumbing, gaslighting, or being emotionally unavailable.
Your friends say, “You deserve better.”
But, your fear of abandonment says, What if this is love and I just need to be patient?
That inner conflict? That’s the bond. And it’s not a healthy one.
Why It Feels Like Love (But Isn’t)
When your self-worth is low, pain can feel familiar, even comforting. If you grew up around emotional unpredictability, people-pleasing, or neglect, then feeling unsteady might be your default. In that state, any attention starts to feel like affection, and any apology feels like proof they care.
That’s where codependency comes in.
You’re not just attached; you’re enmeshed. You may feel responsible for their healing, their happiness, or even their moods. You don’t know where they end and you begin. And walking away? That feels like abandoning your role as “the one who stayed aka the loyal one.”
“You’ll stop trying to prove your worth to people when you finally realize you’re already enough.”
How to Know If You’re in a Trauma Bond
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel more anxious than secure in this relationship?
- Am I always trying to “earn” love or approval?
- Do I rationalize toxic behavior because I’m afraid of being alone?
- Have I lost sight of who I am outside of this relationship?
- Do I feel like I need this person in order to feel okay?
If the answer is yes to most of these, you may not be in love — you may be in a trauma bond.
Breaking the Bond: The First Step Is Naming It
The hardest part of a trauma bond is recognizing that what feels like home is actually harm dressed as hope. These relationships don’t just dissolve. They often have to be intentionally untangled.
Start by:
- Rebuilding your self-worth. Therapy, journaling, healthy habits, and community support help remind you that you deserve love that doesn’t require suffering.
- Setting boundaries. Even if they push back, especially if they do.
- Understanding your triggers. Trauma bonds hook into your fear of abandonment, rejection, or invisibility. Healing those wounds makes you less susceptible.
“The love you’re craving doesn’t live in chaos. It lives in consistency.”
Final Thoughts
Trauma bonds aren’t your fault. They’re emotional coping mechanisms formed from unhealed wounds and unmet needs. But, once you name them for what they are, you can start choosing something better — something that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth after every text and every phone call.
Because love shouldn’t feel like chasing peace after every storm.
It should be the peace through life’s storms.
Sources:
- Carnes, P. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships (2nd ed.). Health Communications, Inc.
- Bryant-Davis, T. (2022). Homecoming: Overcome fear and trauma to reclaim your whole, authentic self. TarcherPerigee.
- van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
- Norwood, R. (2008). Women who love too much: When you keep wishing and hoping he’ll change. Pocket Books.
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