We’ve all heard the term “homewrecker” — usually hurled at a third party in the aftermath of an affair, almost always aimed at a woman. It’s a loaded label, drenched in judgment, often used to shield the person who actually made the commitment: your partner. But here’s the truth we need to start saying louder and more often — there is no such thing as a homewrecker.

Why? Because betrayal requires consent. It doesn’t happen without the full and willing participation of the person who is already in the relationship.

Let’s be clear: no one can ruin a healthy, faithful relationship without the cooperation of one of its members. Infidelity is not a spell someone casts on your partner. It’s a decision — often premeditated, often repeated — and the responsibility for that decision lies squarely on the person who made it. That’s the partner. Not the other woman or man. Not the flirt at the bar. Not the coworker. The blame belongs to the person who was already in a committed relationship and chose to step outside of it.

The Convenient Scapegoat

For centuries, especially in religious environments, women have been conditioned to guard men’s purity (yes, you read that right) as though men are incapable of doing it themselves. Girls are taught to cover up, sit a certain way, avoid being a “stumbling block,” and shoulder the burden of the male gaze. Meanwhile, men are too often excused as helpless victims of temptation — weak flesh, strong urges, “she seduced me.”

But, if men are so incapable of self-control, why are they also the ones anointed to lead? You can’t argue that men are built to be the heads of households, leaders of churches, and moral guides and claim they are powerless in the face of a short skirt. Which is it? Are they strong, or are they weak? If they’re strong, as leadership demands, then they can also be held accountable for their actions.

This coddling narrative doesn’t just insult women; it infantilizes men. It strips them of agency, integrity, and accountability. But the truth is: everyone, regardless of gender, is capable of making respectful, faithful choices. And when they don’t, the betrayal is theirs to own.

Shifting the Focus Back Where It Belongs

The term “homewrecker” is not just misdirected; it’s dangerous. It encourages people to focus their anger on the wrong person. It distracts from the real wound: the betrayal of trust by someone who was supposed to value you, protect your relationship, and honor their word. That hurt is valid. That anger is justified. But pointing it at a stranger — even a morally questionable one — won’t heal it. You didn’t have a covenant, a commitment, or vows with the other person. You had them with your partner.

Too often, societal narratives allow the cheater to play the victim — “I was confused,” “It just happened,” “They came on to me.” But betrayal isn’t passive. It’s not something that happens to you; it’s something you do. It’s a series of choices, and every one of those choices is an opportunity to say no.

Final Thoughts

Let’s retire the idea of the homewrecker. Let’s stop placing the burden of someone else’s bad decision on the shoulders of a third party. The wreckage of a relationship begins with the person who broke the promise — not the one who presented the option. Accountability is not just fair — it’s healing. And healing starts when we stop blaming the temptation and start naming the betrayer.

It really is that simple~