We don’t talk enough about what it means to fall for someone’s online presence. The curated posts, the charming captions, the thoughtful takes on relationships—it can all create a version of someone that feels real, even when it’s only a fraction of the full picture.
And when you start projecting who someone must be based on what they choose to share, it becomes dangerously easy to fall in love with the idea of them… rather than who they actually are.
I’ve lived this.
Years ago, I dated a man who had built an entire image of me in his mind long before we met in person. And when the real me didn’t align with that fantasy, things unraveled—fast and painfully.
The Avatar We All Create
We all have an online self. Even when we’re being completely honest, it’s still filtered—through timing, tone, and what we’re comfortable sharing. That’s not deception—it’s just being human. We post things that reflect who we are and also who we want to be.
But here’s the danger: when someone starts forming an emotional attachment to a version of you they’ve never actually experienced, they’re not connecting with you. They’re connecting with a projection.
And when the real, complex, layered version of you finally shows up, the disconnect can be jarring—and sometimes unsafe.
The “Sunday’s Best” Self
Most of us lead with our “Sunday’s best” when dating—polished, thoughtful, agreeable. It’s the version of ourselves designed to make a great first impression. And the version of me that one of my exes first met aligned perfectly with what he’d already decided I was based on my online presence: warm, nurturing, emotionally intelligent, soft-spoken, full of light.
And yes, I am those things. But I’m also layered.
I get overwhelmed. I set boundaries. I need space. I experience frustration. And when I began expressing those sides of myself—even calmly—he recoiled. He didn’t fall for me. He fell for the version of me he created in his mind. And when I stepped outside of that box, he tried to put me back in it.
That control eventually became emotional manipulation.
Don’t Linger in the Digital Waiting Room
Here’s one of the most important lessons I’ve learned: if someone I’ve met online doesn’t make a plan to meet in person within a week, I no longer take the connection seriously.
Because the longer you linger in the DMs or texting phase, the more likely you are to start fantasizing.
You begin filling in the blanks with the version of them you hope is true. You imagine depth, compatibility, even a future—before you’ve even sat across from them once. You convince yourself that because the texting banter is good or they send heart emojis, the emotional connection is real.
It’s not. That’s not a relationship—it’s a fantasy.
So now, I don’t wait around for vague “let’s hang soon” messages. I don’t emotionally invest in someone who can’t move beyond the screen. If there’s no intention, I keep it moving.
Let People Be Whole
The most dangerous thing we can do—especially in dating—is fall in love with someone’s potential. Their “vibe.” The version of themselves they present through filters and captions.
But love isn’t built on aesthetics. It’s built on presence.
It’s built on how someone handles conflict, communicates boundaries, and shows up consistently.
Let people be messy. Let them reveal themselves at their own pace—in person, not just online. Don’t punish them (or yourself) for not fitting into a story you wrote before getting to know them.
Final Thought
This isn’t a warning against online dating—it’s a reminder to stay rooted in reality.
Real connection isn’t built through clever texts or curated posts. It’s revealed over time, through presence, consistency, and shared experience. You get to know someone by peeling back their layers—not by projecting your hopes onto a highlight reel.
So if there’s no effort, no plans, and no willingness to show up beyond the screen—don’t invest your imagination or your heart.
You deserve something real—something that unfolds naturally, not something you have to mold yourself into just to meet someone’s fantasy.
What about you? Have you ever found yourself caught between the idea of someone and who they actually were? I’d love to hear your thoughts—feel free to share in the comments below~
Lence in Layers 